"Really, there is no one out there."
My head kept on echoing these words on my way back from Bugis Junction.
This stems from last Christmas while I visited Singapore. I thought MAK was in Singapore, I tried very hard to get in touch with her, just to meet up with her.
When everything failed, I went back to Penang depressed. My mood hit an all-time low, to the point my body immunization mal-functioned. In the midst of a particular night, a thought flashed through: "Maybe.., there is no one out there."
So it goes a few months and the thought starts to gain more ground.
Last Saturday I made one more try, and emailed her for a movie. As usual, there was no reply from her end. Instead, I got an anonymous blank email which I always naively assumed those are her 'responses'.
When the tickets were booked, I planned to tell Mr. Snail I would not be available on Saturday. But I was struck by the thought again, the thought there is no one out there and everything is fictional. Since Mr Snail knew the story between I and her, I told him my plan. To be honest, he never believes this relationship exists, let alone it will work. Still he was kind enough to agree as a back up, just in case if MAK didn't show up ('probability of showing up is 0.0001', he said).
I arrived Bugis around two. Before that I stopped at Kallang to gaze upon the canal, and observed briefly a big brown cat drinking water by the roadside.
Maybe I sounded quite serious on the possibility of her showing up, Mr. Snail brought along two friends so that he had company if I was with her. At around 4:20, we two stood near the elevator at the Cineplex floor, overseeing the lower floors. With my prior experiences, I expected the worst, though I still hoped I could
be right. People came, people left, no hit. It ended up I went in the theater with Mr. Snail (the two other guys went in first).
On my way home, I tried not to think about this, but that night was proven long and bitter. Many thoughts hovered around the room: the emotions, the feelings, and all the memories.
"I am exhausted...", I heard myself saying
"Really, there is no one out there"
I know I have to bite the bullet and accept the reality. How long can I live in self-denial?
So far my story sounds naive, if not silly. I admit it is.
The reason I have been doing this is I don't want to wreck a potential relationship for some solvable factors like miscommunications, or just for some stupid ego. I don't want to leave any regret in my later years to learn the relationship didn't work out just because I didn't say "I love you" frequent enough, I didn't coax convincingly enough, or I didn't pursue her hard enough while she had been waiting.
I can't afford to leave any stone unturned. No matter how small the chance is, I want to try.
"Really, there is no one out there". Now I know, and I am learning to accept.
On a happier note: To move on, I plan to start dating again. :D
Stay tuned...
